Mistaking Kindness for Weakness, Mistaking Having Emotions for "Going Soft"
But they've got it all backwards. For decades in my life, I've had a tough and extremely thick outer shell to shield myself from the world's cruelty. But then, after working on myself for so long, and realizing I had a problem where I only artificially connected with people, I saw that I needed to take a few layers off of that shell. So now, I don't bottle up everything, I don't act all tough and hard, when in reality I'm quite warm and loving. I address every feeling that comes up. If I get hurt, I let it out now. I don't leave that shell up so long and make it so hard to get through, because I've learned that connecting with the right people makes up for all the cruelty in the world. There is the equilibrium of interpersonal relationships.
I've never felt so emotionally free. I don't feel rigid so much anymore, and I no longer get confused when I have a feeling. My instincts and gut feelings have gotten stronger and louder, and I've learned to trust it more than ever. I can understand my feelings, I know my own needs, and I need someone to cater to my emotional openness. Which is why I chose the man that I love today, who is perfectly okay with me being open about my feelings, and sticks around and works with me through all my emotions that come up everyday. He is so patient, so understanding, so caring, and is okay with me having feelings. It matters so much to me that he allows me to have this, because in the past no guy has ever done that for me, and such feelings were null and void, and not allowed.
Every guy prior to my love has pushed me to be hard and driven and feelingless. And then they bitch about my callousness in the end. Boys don't know what they want. Yet my man loves me enough to know that if I want to be emotional I can, and it's okay. EVERY guy in the past has tested how far they can push me. And honestly, in a relationship, why should there be testing? You shouldn't be in one, if you're putting your relationship to the test and constantly approaching it tactically.
One thing that I dealt with a lot growing up was people assuming and telling me how I feel. How do they know what I'm feeling, when I'm the only one that can actually feel it? Now that I can actually identify my feelings, I really don't appreciate people doing that, more than ever before. Or worse yet, people try to force me into feeling and acting a certain way when I just really don't want to feel that way. Since when is it okay to tell a person how they should be feeling? They're not living my life, they don't know what I'm going through, if I don't feel like smiling and laughing, don't try to force me into it. It's funny, because when I broke up with my boyfriend for a few hours I was completely devastated and just didn't want to feel happiness that day. Yet some guy who doesn't really matter called me and insisted I laugh and smile. I wasn't amused or appreciative in the least bit and hung up asap. Why should I mask a feeling I'm experience by portraying a feeling that I'm nowhere near to feeling? Its funny because I called one of my closest guyfriends, Harrison, today a week later, and talked to him about the dumbest stuff in the world (drugs, alcohol, drug tests and fake rap) and he didn't even know about my relationship problems, and yet I GENUINELY laughed and smiled through the entire conversation, regardless of how trifling the subject matters were. I have learned that there are real people in my life, who don't insist on me "being happy and cheering up" and just act naturally and let me act naturally too, and those are the ones that are the real, true friends. The ones who expect you to hold a certain demeanor around them and are insensitive to your feelings and situation are the ones who get cut out of your life. Its that time when they are so sure of themselves that they can influence my feelings that they just get negative points in my book and I eventually say "screw you buddy."
It's not a new me, its the real me that's here to stay, and can't be swayed. And those people who mistake my unending kindness for weakness and take advantage of my hospitality and generosity will lose out in the end. I'm more astute than I ever have been, and I've learned to not show my cards too soon. And those people who think I've 'gone soft' because I let it all out now are the ones who are suppressing not only me, but themselves, and they too, have got to go. Usually the former goes with the latter anyhow.
